In The Now

People like to pretend that Chuck Norris is the toughest, baddest so-and-so ever to grace the Earth. While he is definitely badass, and it’s fun to recite the list of so-called Chuck Norris facts, the bearded spin-kicker comes in a very distant second when it comes to out-and-out toughness. To whom, you ask? Why, my mom, of course.

Special Move: Chuck Norris, of course, has his roundhouse kick. This is, of course, a formidable weapon. The unkempt, the unshaven, the seedy, and the cheesy, many have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris’s right foot. This is nothing in comparison to the Peggy Johnstone death-glare. Nobody was safe. For saint or sinner, fear of the death-glare was the fear of divine retribution. While Chuck Norris may break more panes of glass, Peggy Johnstone broke more souls.

Cool Beard: The edge goes to Chuck Norris here, since I’ve never seen my mom wear a beard. I guess it was a lifestyle choice.

Legendary Stories: “Before he goes to sleep at night, the boogeyman checks under his bed for Chuck Norris.” “Peggy Johnstone once shunned hospital care for a suspected stroke, saying it was ‘Just a small one’.” More awesome AND true!

Sacrifice for Ideals: Chuck Norris, starring as Colonel James Braddock once sacrificed his own well-being for belief in truth. Peggy Johnstone once sacrificed a life of musical study to raise a family. The edge might go to Chuck Norris if those things hadn’t happened to a movie character, but they did.

Pain Tolerance: Chuck Norris’s characters have been dragged over the coals, and I feel for them, if not him. Mom took everything MS had and kicked its ass. Did she suffer? Yes. Did she ask for help? Yes. But if you think that takes anything away from it, you’ve obviously never suffered any amount of pain and have watched too many Rambo movies.

So you see, it isn’t even close. My prediction is this: In some strange world where Chuck Norris and Mom were to fight, the Karate Commando would take one look at Mrs. Johnstone whose blue eyes would cut you apart, weigh you, measure you and have an itemized list of your sins in an instant. He would look, his soul would unravel, and Mom would emerge victorious.

Disclaimer: The above is in no way intended to disparage the amazing acting career of Chuck Norris. Neither is it a desire for an alternate dimension where Chuck Norris and my mother are pressed into single combat. However, were that to happen, Mr. Norris, please rest in peace.

Filed under: Output by Liam